thank u for sharing your thoughts, your words are insanely comforting.

Expand full comment

Piazzolla always makes me a mix of emotions: yearning (for what, idk), hopeful, on fire, emo

Thanks for sharing your thoughts though, as someone who daydreams about running away to various hauntingly beautiful landscapes to escape my expectations and responsibilities, I fully support wherever you end up most content.

Love you, love your thoughts, love your music, take care of yourself 🧡🦑

Expand full comment


Expand full comment

💛💛💛 felt and resonated with

Expand full comment

My music career is no where near yours, but I've struggled a lot with being creative (and consistent) while working full time for years now and it's absolutely heart breaking (for me), so I feel you. I tell myself I'll practice for an hour, or do ear training on the train home, or write for a few hours, but it always seems like life gets in the way, or I just don't have the energy to do the things I love (which fuels my depression).

I have however learned a few things that help me combat this exhaustion/depression, so I'll share them here, but take it with a grain of salt cus this is just works for me and everyone's different.

1. Address your physical health first: I've struggled w/depression for over a decade now, and I still fall into thought loops, but I've come to learn that 70% of the time that my anxious/depressed thoughts stem from being hungry, tired, lonely, or having too much energy. So try to evaluate these points like how is your diet? are you sleeping well? are you sleeping at a normal frequency? is there exercise you can do? I basically journaled for a few months and pinpointed the days i felt like garbage and what I did/consumed/how I slept, etc and it really helped me

2. Take it Slow: Personally, I'm so mentally scrambled w/my interests, goals, and thoughts that it makes me anxious and distracts me from the moment. Then I get disappointed when I do something and don't get immediate gratification. I recently worked with a therapist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and it was the work I did w/them that really helped me realize the importance of slow and focused efforts (and the joy that comes from this work).

3. Do whatever you can to capture joy! It sounds like you're toying with the idea of releasing private music, or just creating for the purpose of creating again. The questions you ask at the end of this piece seem to focus on this, and I'm sure you've already thought about this, but why are you releasing music right now? From the questions you posit, it seems like you take little to no satisfaction in the results of your current process, so whats driving you to release music for the PR/Algorithm/Audience? Are you just doing it because that's what you've been doing for a while now (so its a habit)? Are you doing it because you need the $$? I think your fantasy is actually quite achievable without having to start completely over (although I would be so excited if I stumbled across an alter ego/secret project of yours). From the outside, as a person who doesn't know jack shit, it seems like you're going through an extremely turbulent point of evolution in your career/personal life and that obviously comes with strife but also the opportunity to change (and most importantly accept change) in the direction of joy.

I'm not sure if this was helpful or annoying, but I hope that some of this information was helpful; as someone who struggles with similar issues, I just wish I learned these tools earlier on in life. If something doesn't provide the same value as it did before, it's not bad, it's not good, it just is, and after processing those emotions the next step is to recalibrate towards joy (whatever that looks like for you).

P.S. Rooftops blows me away every time I listen to it, so thanks for that haha

Expand full comment