new fears and other updates
keep up with me who can’t keep up with myself:
did a spin session for spin mag with songs from time machine,
published an essay on pit magazine about food (msg) racism and the white gaze,
published a set of photography prints (message me on IG if interested)
i’m still in the process of finishing up those postcards for folks who pre-ordered the EP (thanks by the way). have been listening to a lot of my bloody valentine and astor piazzolla. it feels weird to express sadness anywhere on the internet (except twitter) because it often feels like i’m soliciting a comforting response, which i’m not.
but i’ve been feeling shit! (thanks for signing up to read this lol.) in the past year i grew more and more distant from the discipline of making music because of logistical circumstances. i gained a salary and lost time and energy. the distance between me and music made me feel useless and made my life feel hollow and false. a new fear grew at the back of my neck, fear of not ever making music i like again. fear of having peaked, fear of an infinite writer’s block. fear of having never meant to really be an artist according to the internet. fear of slowly compromising settling for a more practical life, slowly fading, death by regret. fear of killing the magic that first lured me into songwriting. the fears stayed with me when i was awake and when i was asleep. months passed and i was filled to the brim exhausted overflowing of infinite fear so i tried to clog it by reading and taking photographs and drawing and telling myself i was in absorption mode but i didn’t ask myself, can you really absorb anything when you are flooding?
some days i want to irish-goodbye my music career and change my name and escape to a small bamboo hut in some depressing forest that looks like a tumblr pic. in this fantasy i get heartsick and escape to yet another life where i restart a music career but anonymously. most days i just long for my music to be mine again, just mine, not for PR, not for some algorithm, not for commentary, not even for an audience. not for sake of quantity. or even objective quality for that matter?
but there is no scapegoat (except capitalism ha), only sadness. i often wonder if i would have been happier if i was more selfish and more private with my music. or is it the opposite? what do i need to regain control of? why does anyone listen to my music? does everyone feel the same (shit)? does it make a difference that everyone is feeling shit too? is being emo on a newsletter narcissistic? are all artists narcissistic? why is writing so difficult when i sit down but so easy when i’m on the train but too fatigued to type anything? why is therapy so expensive? why can’t i feel what i felt when i first uploaded shit to soundcloud? when will my ACL completely heal? when will i run again? why do our grandparents have to grow old? why is time so fast but so slow? why can’t we have more time? why is gyutan (japanese bbq beef tongue) so underrated?
thank u for sharing your thoughts, your words are insanely comforting.
My music career is no where near yours, but I've struggled a lot with being creative (and consistent) while working full time for years now and it's absolutely heart breaking (for me), so I feel you. I tell myself I'll practice for an hour, or do ear training on the train home, or write for a few hours, but it always seems like life gets in the way, or I just don't have the energy to do the things I love (which fuels my depression).
I have however learned a few things that help me combat this exhaustion/depression, so I'll share them here, but take it with a grain of salt cus this is just works for me and everyone's different.
1. Address your physical health first: I've struggled w/depression for over a decade now, and I still fall into thought loops, but I've come to learn that 70% of the time that my anxious/depressed thoughts stem from being hungry, tired, lonely, or having too much energy. So try to evaluate these points like how is your diet? are you sleeping well? are you sleeping at a normal frequency? is there exercise you can do? I basically journaled for a few months and pinpointed the days i felt like garbage and what I did/consumed/how I slept, etc and it really helped me
2. Take it Slow: Personally, I'm so mentally scrambled w/my interests, goals, and thoughts that it makes me anxious and distracts me from the moment. Then I get disappointed when I do something and don't get immediate gratification. I recently worked with a therapist who practices Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and it was the work I did w/them that really helped me realize the importance of slow and focused efforts (and the joy that comes from this work).
3. Do whatever you can to capture joy! It sounds like you're toying with the idea of releasing private music, or just creating for the purpose of creating again. The questions you ask at the end of this piece seem to focus on this, and I'm sure you've already thought about this, but why are you releasing music right now? From the questions you posit, it seems like you take little to no satisfaction in the results of your current process, so whats driving you to release music for the PR/Algorithm/Audience? Are you just doing it because that's what you've been doing for a while now (so its a habit)? Are you doing it because you need the $$? I think your fantasy is actually quite achievable without having to start completely over (although I would be so excited if I stumbled across an alter ego/secret project of yours). From the outside, as a person who doesn't know jack shit, it seems like you're going through an extremely turbulent point of evolution in your career/personal life and that obviously comes with strife but also the opportunity to change (and most importantly accept change) in the direction of joy.
I'm not sure if this was helpful or annoying, but I hope that some of this information was helpful; as someone who struggles with similar issues, I just wish I learned these tools earlier on in life. If something doesn't provide the same value as it did before, it's not bad, it's not good, it just is, and after processing those emotions the next step is to recalibrate towards joy (whatever that looks like for you).
P.S. Rooftops blows me away every time I listen to it, so thanks for that haha